


Odd 8 Ball Out

by narwhalpuppy



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 21:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15615888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narwhalpuppy/pseuds/narwhalpuppy
Summary: On the eve of an audition, Bojack gets drunk.   Todd films him.  And the video goes viral.   Bojack believes his luck was cursed by a toy 8 Ball.





	Odd 8 Ball Out

Bojack Horseman Presents:

 

A Narwhal Puppy Production.

 

 

Odd 8 Ball Out.

 

 

At the store Halloween in Janurary, that was located in the land of Hollywoo. Bojack Horseman had Todd Chevez and Mr. Peanutbutter meet him at the store for some huge news.

 

Mr. Peanutbutter walks up to Bojack, "What did you call us here for?" 

 

Todd gets very giddy and excited, "I'm totally lit for what you have to say! Or is that 'woke!'"

 

Bojack announces, "Glad you guys came. Looks like I might be making my big comeback on the big screen!" 

 

"Let me guess, you're going to play Mrs. Doubtfire in a remake?" Mr. Peanutbutter scoffed at his long time rival. 

 

"Absolutely not. But you are not wrong about the remake part." Bojack explains. 

 

"Hooray! Bojack is going to be in a remake!" Todd cheered. 

 

"All right. Hear me out. Kelsey Jannings, the director for Secretariat is going to cast me in the remake of Dune!" Bojack stated. 

 

"Dune, hey. Wasn't that a huge flop in....say...circa.....1984?" asked Mr. Peanutbutter then he continued, "Which character are you going to play? No, don't tell me! Feyd-Rautha!" laughed Mr. Peanutbutter. 

 

"No, Kelsey did not cast me as Sting's old role. If anything she is going to have me play the dude Kyle Maclachlin played! Paul Atredis!" 

 

Todd was confused, "Sting? Wasn't he some kind of porn star of that sort?" 

 

"No, he was in a band in the 1980s called the Police." informed Mr. Peanutbutter. Todd gets out an 8 Ball he finds in the store. 

 

"Look what I got! Let's ask it a question!" Todd said. "You first, Bojack!" 

 

Bojack gets the 8 Ball from Todd. "Hmmmm, okay. What? How does this work? I've been in front of the camera all my life and I never really had time for silly ass toys!" 

 

Not being familiar with the Magic 8 Ball, Mr. Peanutbutter says, "Sarah Lynn used one in an episode of Horsin' Around! How can you not?" "I wasn't in that scene!" Bojack replied in his defense. "You gotta shake it, dude! Then ask it a question!" Todd advised. 

 

Bojack sighs, "Okay". Bojack does what Todd tells him and shakes the 8 Ball then asks the popular child's toy. "Will I make a comeback in Show Biz?" 

 

The 8 Ball answered, "My Sources Say No!" 

 

"SHIT! SON OF A....." Bojack yelled. "Don't take it seriously! It's not like it's an omen!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. 

 

"The Omen! That's an awesome movie to get high to!" said Todd. 

 

"It's a curse! I know it! Bad karma! I'll be in hasbeen obscurity forever!" cried Bojack. "It's just a toy! It's not real! Don't take this too deep man!" Mr. Peanutbutter demands trying to get Bojack back to his senses. 

 

Bojack drops the 8 Ball. "Maybe you're right. Guess I did look too deeply." 

 

Todd says, "Wanna celebrate! I got some hard liquor I think you're going to like!" 

 

"I'd love that, Todd!" said Bojack. 

 

Todd, Mr. Peanutbutter, and Bojack Horseman leave the Halloween in January store and go back to Bojack's mansion.

 

 

* * * 

 

 

Bojack is laying on floor drunk and Todd walks in with food

 

"Hi Bojack!" greeted his slacker party going roommate

 

The horse actor responded despondentely, "Hi, Todd *hick*" 

 

Todd looking on with concern, "Are you drunk?"

 

Bojack answers sarcastically, "Yes. Can't you see that? I can always tell when you're high!"

 

"You sure can! Anyhow, I got us hamburgers!" Todd announced. 

 

"What kind?" asked Bojack. 

 

Todd said, "Those Big Kahuna burgers. That diner now sells them!"

 

"Ok I will eat it." agrees Bojack as he stuggles to get up, but Bojack falls back down. 

 

Bojack is now eating the Kahuna Burger on floor. 

 

Todd thinks it is funny and proceeds to record him with Bojack's Siri Phone.

 

"What are you eating Bojack?"

 

Bojack says, "A Damned mighty fine hamburger."

 

"Love that Pulp Fiction, line!" laughed Todd. 

 

"Great movie! Perhaps I will be in a remake of that!" Bojack slurring his words. 

 

Todd records him while Bojack eats the hamburger slowly and sadly. 

 

"This is so funny, dude! I am going to upload it to Youtube" Todd snickers. 

 

 

As soon as Todd filmed Bojack's drunken debacle with the hamburger the day before. As one can imagine, the video went viral. All the major news networks, social media sites, entertainment shows were reporting about Bojack's video about him being drunk with a hamburger. Bojack's video that Todd made was entitled, "Drunk and Eating Hamburgers On The Floor." 

 

Walking down the streets of Hollywoo the next day, and feeling in a state of despondence as he usually did. Bojack notices people, reptiles, and animals are staring at him, laughing, whispering to one another about him. Bojack didn't think nothing about it, and thought it was nothing. Being drunk yesterday, Bojack had no memory of Todd filming him on Youtube. He was about to have a big wake up call. 

 

Pinky Penguin and Wanda Pierce walk by him. "Hey, are you trying make your 'huge' comeback on Youtube?" asked Pinky Penguin. 

 

Bojack was confused and didn't know what Pinky meant. "I don't get what you mean by that." 

 

Wanda intervened as he began to laugh, "You were so drunk with that hamburger last night, you didn't know that you were being taped?!"

 

Bojack said, "Taped? But why! But how?"

 

Pinky Penguin walks Bojack to a TV store, "Look at this here! You're all over the internet, there's even a name for your video! Drunk and Eating Burgers off a Hard Floor!!" 

 

It had finally hit him. Bojack was embarrassed by what he had seen as he slammed the palms of his hooves on the glass! "NNNNNOOOO! I'm supposed to be in a Dune remake!" 

 

Wanda told him, "This must be your way of promoting yourself!" Pinky and Wanda walked away. Bojack felt very retrenched and angry at the same time. "Who's the son of a bitch that did this to me! Right before........" Then Bojack came to the conclusion it was that 8 Ball that Todd gave to him. Believing it to be bad luck. "That little shitty 8 Ball! Knew it was a curse to fall upon me!" 

 

Mr. Peanutbutter sees him. "There's no such thing as a curse from a stupid ass 8 Ball toy! Oh, and Did you see Youtube lately Drunk and Eating......."? he asked. "Don't tell me! I already know!" Bojack fought back. 

 

"David Hasselhoff did the same thing. Don't feel too flustered. Maybe you can get a role in the next Spongebob movie." joked Mr. Peanutbutter. 

 

Groaning in subversion and feeling defeated. Bojack says, "Everyone is going to think I'm a washed up, down and out drunk who can't get any (beep)ing acting roles!" 

 

Bojack's cellphone rings, and he answers it. "Hello?" Princess Carolyn was on the other end. "Hello, Bojack. I heard about that Drunken Burger or whatever the title is video of yours." "Who hasn't?" snarked Bojack. 

 

"What I wanted to tell you was that I just got a call from someone in England who saw the video." Princess Carolyn explained. "It's all over the world? I've exposed myself to the world?! SHIT!" Bojack nearly yelled. 

 

"Don't shout into the receiver, Bojack. Just listen. Someone from an Arts Magazine show from England emailed me." Princess Carolyn reported. 

 

"What is this show from Jolly Old England called?" Bojack asked. 

 

"It's the South Bank Show. The people there want to interview you. They think your video was a short independent film you made." Princess Carolyn said. 

 

"Oh, no shit. Is that true? Well, book me a flight." said Bojack excited at the aspect of going to England to be interviewed on an Artsy style show. 

 

Princess Carolyn refused, "No, I am not going to endow you by getting you an airplane ticket. Get your own ass over to London yourself!" 

 

Bojack hung up, and Mr. Peanutbutter was wondering why Bojack was suddenly a little happier. 

 

"So, what's the rundown. Give me the deets!" Mr. Peanutbutter. 

 

"The South Bank Show wants to interview me about my viral video!" said Bojack. 

 

Guffawing, Mr. Peanutbutter replies, "That show interviews sophisticated actors! Not loser has beens like you!" 

 

Bojack states, "Apparently, the South Bank show people think I made 'Drunk and Eating Burgers off a Hard Floor' an Independent short film. And I will convince the world that exactly what that video is. Then the public will see that I am NOT a pathetic drunk!" 

 

"Whatever you say. Best of luck to you trying to get yourself a plane ticket to London! Todd and I will watch you when you make your appearence." Mr Peanutbutter walks away. Bojack then remembered he had some money saved in a bank account that was just about enough for him to book a flight to England. "Who needs you, Princess Carolyn, you bitch!" 

 

Bojack plans to try to pass off his viral video as an Independent Film when he gets interviewed by The South Bank Show. 

 

 

The following day, Bojack boarded a plane to London England. Once he got there, some chauffers had prepared a Double Decker bus for him to go on to take him to the South Bank Show. 

 

Back in Hollywoo, Mr, Peanutbutter and Todd were waiting for the South Bank show to air. Mr. Peanutbutter explained to Todd why Bojack was going to be interviewed beforehand. 

 

"Did I actually do something good for Bojack?" Todd asked. 

 

"Nah, don't even go there. I want to watch him make an ass of himself! (scoff) Remake of Dune!" Mr. Peanutbutter said. 

 

"The show is about to start!" Todd pointed at the screen. 

 

Opening Credits to the South Bank show were playing that terrified Todd out of his wits. 

 

"Son of a bitch! What the (beep) kind of TV show is this! That thing looks like it's going to eat everything!!" 

 

"Todd, shut up and calm down! Whatever is in the TV get out and hurt you!" Mr. Peanutbutter trying to be convincing, but Todd was still scared. 

 

"It's like a terrible LSD trip, dude!" Todd said. Mr. Peanutbutter decided to ignore Todd's silly fear about the South Bank Show's opening credits. 

 

"Grow up, get sober, and find a job like the rest of us!" Mr. Peanutbutter muttered to himself.

 

 

* * * 

 

 

Good Evening and welcome to the South Bank show where we have with us today the American actor Bojack Horseman. Who starred in the wildly popular, "Horsin' Around!" 

 

Bojack Horseman waves at the camera. The panel of hosts goes on, Tonight we will discuss his new short film “Drunk and Eating Burgers on a Hard Floor.”

 

The hosts begin to ask him questions that were beyond his comprehension. "Do you consider your self a Dadaist?"

 

Bojack answers, " I am not a Dodoist." misprouncing the word. 

 

The hosts continue, "Does your film accurately represent feelings of social alienation in a post modern world?"

 

Bojack didn't know how to answer, "Uhhhh yes".

 

"Do you think hamburgers are a good representation of America’s lack of gourmet food?"

 

Bojack replied, "If you say so."

 

"What was the purpose of eating on the floor? Was it social protest?"

 

Bojack went on to try to answer their question the best he could. "No, it seemed like a good thing to do at the time."

 

"Does the floor represent man’s narrow mindlessness?"

 

Bojack shrugged, "Search me."

 

"You know the flatness of the floor is a manifestation of pre-Columbian concept of the world being flat?"

 

Bojack spurted, " Yes?"

 

"Will you be making more avant garde movies like this one in the future?"

 

"I doubt it. I just want to be a respected actor like I was in the past." was Bojack's honest answer. 

 

"Well, you need to take time and do some deep soul searching if you want to resurrect your acting career."

 

Bojack looks vexed, Wait, what did you say?"

 

"Well that is all for now. Take a quick break. As we head for a commercial here on the South Bank Show turn in next week when we interview pioneers in the field of of neo-film noir."

 

 

* * * 

 

 

We now return to more of our interview with Bojack Horseman. 

 

 

Not being able to stand being asked so many questions, Bojack tries to talk about his viral video. "My video really is an Independent Short Film." he tries to say to them. But the barrel of hosts reply, "We will get around to that soon. But first, ask our questions!" One of the hosts even had the nerve and the gull to say, "Your acting skills are not intrinsically important!" Bojack had about all he could take, so finally he ups and leaves and gives the middle finger to the camera. 

 

"Screw this, I'm outta here!" Bojack yelled. Running out of the studio, nobody tried to stop Bojack. It was then he found himself lost in the streets in the middle of London. Now people and animals in London were all laughing at him. Then some children ran by.

 

"Hey, Bojack! You should just give up like forever!" 

 

"Yeah, Horsin' Around is never coming back, ass!" 

 

Bojack goes back to his hotel room, he tries to call Mr. Peanutbutter to get him back. Then the reality hits him hard when he learns he has three more days to go on his London trip. Bojack just buried his face in the pillows on his bed. Then he called room service and asked for a bottle of champagne. Reaching into his pocket, Bojack found some cocaine. 

 

"It's going to be a long ass trip!" Bojack thinks out loud to himself. Whenever Bojack did go out, he just rode on tour buses. He was too depressed to take pictures. On the second day, Bojack tries to call Todd, but only the answering machine gets it. Steaming boiling mad. Bojack wanted to yell at Todd. 

 

The London excursion has come to an end. Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd on their way to pick up Bojack at the airport. Nobody was in Bojack's house. That was until Henrietta Platchkey drops off her daughter Hollyhock, and Bojack's possible biological daughter off at his house. Bojack was at the London airport waiting for his flight to be boarded. 

 

Henrietta asks Hollyhock, "Do me a favor sweetie, go into Bojacks house and find my pocketbook. I left it there by mistake."

 

" Sure thing, Mom. ". Hollyhock replies.

 

Hollyhock managed to find the pocketbook. Then she hears the phone ring and goes to answer it. "Hello?" she answers innocently. Bojack thinks it's Todd on the other end. Over the phone Bojack loses his temper and says this, "When I get back to Hollywoo! I am going to straighten you out! How will I do it? I'm gonna take that 8 Ball you showed me that gave me such back luck! And smash it across your shitty face! Then everyone in the world is going to know what a thoughtless rude little pig you really are!" 

 

Breaking down into tears, Hollyhock falls to the floor and cries. "Bojack Horseman hates me!" 

 

Henrietta comes into Bojack's house. "What happened, honey?"

 

Hollyhock sobs, "Bojack called and he told me terrible things!". 

 

Shocked to her core, Henrietta goes to Bojacks phone. "I will handle this"! 

 

Hollyhock cries as Henrietta calls Princess Carolyn. 

 

" Get me Princess Carolyn please! ". Henrietta asks over the phone.

 

Meanwhile in their way to the airport, Mr Peanutbutter and Todd were at the terminal to pick up Bojack. 

 

" The time is 4:00 bing bong! "

 

"Love when it does that." cheered Todd then he is looking at a box he is carrying. "Hope Bojack likes my present." 

 

Mr. Peanutbutter sees Bojack come out of the tunnel from the plane. "He doesn't look too good." he said. 

 

Bojack sees Todd and gives him a nasty look. "Woah! Wonder why he did that?" pondered Todd.

 

"We watched you on the South Bank show! You killed it!" Mr. Peanutbutter said. 

 

"Did you happen to see those opening credits? Freaky and trippy! I still can't get over it!" Todd says in a scared manner. 

 

"Can it!" Bojack said in intense anger. Walking up to Todd, "Hope you got my message, TODD!" 

 

Todd cannot fathom what he meant. "Message? Not sure what you're trying to say. Hope you like my gift!" Todd hands Bojack a gift box. Bojack swipes it away and opens it and it was the 8 Ball.

 

Bojack, losing all control lashes out at Todd, 'Is this your idea of joke, asshole!" Bojack took the 8 Ball and hit Todd in the face with it. Princess Carolyn sees the whole thing and grabs Bojack by the ear. 

 

"That 8 Ball gave me bad luck!" shouted Bojack. 

 

"Your ass is coming home now! Wish I never cared!" Princess Carolyn said. Bojack was being lead away by Princess Carolyn. Mr. Peanutbutter follows them. Todd was far behind a part of his face was bloodied. "Isn't anybody going to take me to the hospital?" 

 

Protesting as Princess Carolyn was dragging him away, Bojack shouts, "Todd is the reason why all this happened! Where are you taking me? To the Dune audition? Correct!"

 

Princess Carolyn responds, "I've postponed that for a while. In the meantime you need to own up to what you did!" 

 

Mr. Peanutbutter, Bojack and Princess Carolyn all drove back to Bojack's house. 

 

 

 

* * * 

 

 

Princess Carolyn was cussing at Bojack when she and Mr. Peanutbutter were leading him up to the doorstep of his house. 

 

"You tell me I did something bad! I never do anything wrong! Tell me I'm a good person!" Bojack shouted. 

 

Mr. Peanutbutter walks in first. Princess Carolyn shoves Bojack into his living room. Inside was Hollyhock, Henrietta, Wanda Pirece, Diane Nygeun, Pinky Penguin, Bradley H. Smith, Charley Witherspoon, and everybody else who ever knew Bojack Horseman were all sitting on the couch.

 

"Oh, shit! Is this an intervention?!" asked Bojack off the cuff.

 

"Yes, it is! You said some terrible things to poor Hollyhock!" confronts Diane.

 

"Who the hell staged this!" demands Bojack.

 

"I did! After Henrietta called me." answers Princess Carolyn. 

 

"I thought you hated me, Bojack!" Hollyhock said. 

 

Then the teenage girl horse sobs as she runs up to Bojack, "You called me a rotten little pig! Amoung other things!" 

 

"I don't understand any of this! None of this makes sense!" Bojack said. 

 

"This is so sordid and juicy!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. A part of him was glad that Bojack was facing an intervention. 

 

Henrietta tells him, "I went over to your house and had Hollyhock find my pocketbook. Hollyhock answered the phone and you told her off for no reason at all!" 

 

Bojack finally sees the light. "I was coming back from England doing that interview about that video that went viral. Everyone took it as a joke, and I was really mad at Todd! Didn't have the slightest clue that Hollyhock was on the other end! You see, I was having a string of bad luck since Todd showed me that 8 ball! Todd was the one who ruined me! Not Hollyhock!" 

 

"We don't want to hear it! You're going to rehab where you belong!" Diane said. "I'll be happy to take them there! Found a retreat in New England he can go to." said Princess Carolyn. "It's in New Hampshire!" 

 

"It would be good for him to get away for a while." Mr. Peanutbutter agrees. "You always take the side against me you son of a bitch!" Bojack said. 

 

Kelsey Jannings says, "Guess you weren't ready for the Dune audition I signed you up for!! You had no excuse to blow up at Hollyhock or that little cutie Todd!" 

 

Bojack Horseman collapses on the floor in total shock. "He must've had some crack. Know that anywhere!" said Princess Carolyn. 

 

Todd runs inside his face is still bloddy, and sees Bojack on the floor. "What did I just miss?" 

 

Princess Carolyn makes arrangements for Bojack to go to a retreat resort in New England.

 

 

 

* * * 

 

 

 

Bojack Horseman was forced to spend 3 months in the Rehab Retreat. Trying his best to get clean for the Dune Audition. He was reflecting on his life during a group session. 

 

"Nothing on the outside, nothing on the inside." Bojack thinks to himself. "....and where was Sarah Lynn. She died in my arms." Bojack Horseman himself cried. "Nobody thinks I'm a good person. Everybody hates me! Todd hates me! Mr. Peanutbutter hates me, Diane hates me, and Princess Carolyn hates me!" 

 

"It's not your fault!" says the counseler. 

 

"It is! And to think I blamed all my bad luck on a stupid toy 8 Ball that I thought was cursed! In the grand scheme of things, in the end. It was my fault." Bojack cries. "If only I had never got drunk. If only Todd never filmed me. I could've passed that audition with flying colors! As usual! *gasp* *sob* I screw up everything!" 

 

The group was sympathetic and some even cried. A week later, The residents of the retreat were meditating. Bojack was meditating while dreaming of himself on stage. 

 

An image of Bojack Horseman shows as he is clean, sober, and walks out on stage in confidence. 

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Your favorite horse actor is coming back from obscurity! Let's all give a hand to Bojack Horseman!" 

 

The audience erupts on cheers as Bojack imagines himself walking out on on the stage."

 

"Bojack Horseman, ladies and gentlemen! Bojack Horseman!" 

 

The audience continues to cheer. After Bojack gets out of rehab, the part of Feyd Reutha went to Mr. Peanutbutter. Bojack got in the movie too. But he was casted as Piter De Vries. 

 

 

The End

 

 

The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!


End file.
